Armageddon Toastie

Standing in front of the television screen, my ill-fitting work shirt clinging loosely to my torso, I first saw it. The drone of the supermarket in the background gradually faded out to a distant din as it appeared on the screen: the JML Toastabag. The put-in-sandwich-take-out-delicious-toast-a-bag. Someone appeared at my elbow and asked if we had any pants in a size 26… but I didn’t care. I was elsewhere, dancing in fields of roses with a papery companion. I had met the love of my life and no elephant would be ruining this moment with tent requests today. I adored with trembling the sight that lay before me; little boxes of Toastabags below the television screen, waiting to be purchased and loved. It warmed my heart. I couldn’t wait to finish work… soon you would be mine!

And then as quickly as I had been sectioned in the hospital for being particularly susceptible to the advertising of JML, the end of the world happened. Just like that. Not a metaphorical end of the world on account of my brain having been dissolved by clever product placement, but rather a literal one… fiery lakes of acid and limbs being ripped from children, that sort of thing. Unimportant stuff like that. The real burning matter was that I had suddenly found myself with a bag of ingredients that would last a lifetime, a toaster powered by the aforementioned fiery acid, and a JML Toastabag. All rather convenient really. In truth, I had always carried this stuff around with me, just in case. People had always thought I was mad… not so mad now, huh? I did a little dance with the toaster atop my head just to show them how non-mad I was. Well, I would have done, had most of them not been dead. But I still did the dance anyway… corpses or no corpses.

Most of the time I would have cheese and ham on my toastie. Sometimes when I was feeling adventurous, I’d stretch all the way to having some beef paste. But after years of wandering the barren lands, I’d resorted to eating my own fingers just to liven things up a bit. It made it a bit more difficult to actually make the sandwich in the first place, but you’re talking to the person who got told that it wasn’t physically possible to have an intimate relationship with a jellyfish… and 10 months, 4 court cases and several tentacle-laden children later… well, let’s just say I enjoy a challenge.

But the years passed… and my Toastabag started to wear down. I had dangerously continued to use it past the suggested 100 uses… its time was nearing its end. Then one fateful day, my JML Toastabag held its last beef paste and finger sandwich. At the pushing down of the toaster lever with my bleeding stumps, the Toastabag set alight and crumbled suddenly into ashes. Oh such horror! For many days I mourned the loss of my Toastabag, rampaging through the desolate wilderness, assailing any survivors I could find, and eating their spleens.

But spleens could never compare to toasties.

My bag of ingredients was endlessly full, but my heart was empty. My essence had drifted away with the passing of the Toastabag, and as I lay on the floor awaiting death, surrounded by a world ravaged by hurt and suffering, I had only one thought…

Those were joyous days, those of the JML Toastabag.

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25 responses to “Armageddon Toastie

  1. At first I thought, you know, that there were plenty of other fingers around, why eat yours, but then I realized that would just be gross.

  2. Great work! I have a feeling I need to be drunk or heavily medicated to REALLY “get” your work, though.

  3. I want a bag that will toast my sandwhiches. However, I could do without the fingers in mine. Though being able to make a sandwhich with no fingers is quit the skill.

  4. Amusing post. I wasn’t sure if it was a diary-esque post or just fiction…!

    I quite like those toastabags actually.

    • I had to rescue your comment from the spam queue, but now that you’re all here and safe and whatnot, thanks very much! :D

      And yes, they are rather good.

      • Yeah, for some reason I am getting sent into spam queues on all blogs. It’s annoying and happens if I start a new thread on the WordPress forums, it gets locked right away.

        Maybe I have been a bit too spam-esque in the Showcase forum…

  5. Elephants and tents! I’m spitting coffee all over my screen.

    I really need to cut back on the chocolate myself. Lucky for me, I’m too cash poor to torture any sales girls with requests to help with clothes to cover my own enormous American bottom!
    Loved it!

    • Thanks for the comment! :D I keep telling myself to cut down on cake, but then I think… Hell no. Cake is way too awesome!

  6. Another brilliant post by Anna. I’m beginning to get jealous of your mastery of the English language. Please teach me how to use it better.

    What’s a Toastbag?? Hahahahah.

    • A Toastabag is made of magic (paper) and filled with awesomeness (bread). There you are, you see. It is the stuff dreams are made of!

  7. “I had met the love of my life and no elephant would be ruining this moment with tent requests today.”
    Where do you come up with this stuff? Are all the British this funny? I had to look up what a JML Toastabag was. I saw a You-Tube video, and I am glad to say, “I want a Toastabag!’” For a few minutes I thought I may have had to travel to England to procure a lifetime supply, but found out that Amazon.com has them, and has overnight shipping. Thank you for a dazzling display of writing, a good laugh, and warm and toasty sandwiches for the rest of my life.

    • You are very welcome! I have to watch that advert over and over again as I’m stood at the service desk… it’s a nice distraction from 8 hours of looking at pants and shoes. Plus I am actually really susceptible to advertising. Especially toastie related advertising. All joking aside though, they are genuinely amazing. I’ve basically lived off them since the canteen at my workplace shut down. I’m probably going to die of toastie overload, but it will be totally worth it!

  8. I’m beginning to think of you as Lovecraft with a better sense of humor.

    Oh, and a sales warning – JML is about to release Birthabags. Soon, you can give birth at your convenience in your own, portable, tote-able incubator. Holds heat and moisture, but stays cool and dry on the surface. It works OUTSIDE your body, so your figure will remain svelte and undistorted. No matter what kind of hybrid beasties you create, the high priestess will still accept you for sacrifice!

    • :D Thanks Mikey!

      If Birthabags were to actually exist and they appeared in my store, the many hungry mongrels of the East Midlands would probably buy them out in minutes and trade the end results for drug money.

      And I would proudly sell them to these people! Drug money afterall being incomparably important to the general community. I’d basically be doing everyone a favour.

  9. Well done on getting your 50th subscriber by the way :P WE R TEH SHIZZ!!

  10. I fucked a starfish. Then I killed the judge who was trying to send me down, but he was made out of plastic, I popped him in the brevvel in between two slices of lead and fed him to my pet clown.

    • I am both highly disturbed and amused by the fact that you have a pet clown and feed him sandwiches made of lead and plastic. But I’m pretty sure that’s what clowns eat in the wild anyway, so it’s generally fine.

  11. Every time I come here, I am given something I least expected. It is amazing how you come up with stuff that is so very different from your previous posts. Except of course the part where you die in the end. ;)

  12. It is so great to have something to look forward to on Sunday evenings (me in middle U. S., you in Great Britain, I believe, so I get it here at about 6pm). Another great post by you. Have you ever seen “As Good as it Gets”, with Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt? He is searching for something good to say to make her like him, and finally comes up with: “You make me want to be a better man.” Well, Anna, you make me want to be a darker writer. No, this isn’t a pickup line; I’m too old for you, we’re too many miles apart, and besides, you’d just eat the children.

    But they’d be cute.

    • I haven’t seen it, but what a lovely compliment! Thank you ever so much. And not only would they be cute, they would also be delicious.

  13. Wow, that was magnificent… Somehow the way you Write keeps making the Reader want more, and more and more… Even though things often get Bloody, Stumpy and otherwise not good. lol

    You’ve made me hungry, and yet I fear what this hunger might be for? Would pursuing it land me in Jail?

    No, I shall instead savor the Memory Thusly Created by you, and Simply Savor the Visceral Moments as Written.

    Thank you for the ride deeply elsewhere, and sorry that you died… Again, lol

    DarkJade-

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