It was 19:57. I’d come up for my break early because I didn’t have to clock out for this one, and there was no-one on the shop floor to see, anyway. I’d assumed that they were all either in the warehouse, hiding from the customers, or had all slit their wrists or something. This was ASDA. Either was plausible.
I went to the toilet because I needed a wee. I didn’t bother trying the first cubicle because I knew there wasn’t a lock on it. I moved along and the second had no toilet roll. The third had a lock and some toilet roll, but there was some wee on the seat so I decided against it. The next one had a dead body on the floor, but I couldn’t be bothered to look at the last two- it was 20:02 already, so I went in the one with the dead body. It was better than the one with the wee.
So I sat down and had a wee. The dead body was all over the floor, so I was having to sit with my feet on its back, and my knees were digging into my chin. Annoyingly, there had also been no room for me to put my bag on the floor, so I’d had to hang it on the back of the door instead. The body was all mashed up and covered in blood. By the looks of it, someone had smashed its head in- I was pretty sure I could see some brains- but its eyes were wide open, and they were all bulbous and protruding. It was wearing some blue jeans, and bits of them had turned purple from all the blood. It was like an artist’s depiction of a summer sky, or like when you drop a cake and the icing goes everywhere.
I wondered if they’d be able to find out whodunit? This cubicle had had an ‘Out of Order’ sign on it for weeks until this morning, so it wasn’t like there’d be many fingerprints in it yet, so it would be pretty easy to determine the culprit. But I then realised that they would find my fingerprints all over the cubicle too, not to mention my shoe impressions in the dead guy’s back. In no way would this ever look good on my CV, and anyway, I was going away to Weston-Super-Mare at the end of the week, so it wasn’t like I’d even have time for a court case. I quickly decided I was going to have to dispose of the body to avoid any suspicion on my part. The time was now 20:07.
I stood on the guy’s back to try and get in my bag. From this height, I could see over the toilet door which was very funny- you see things differently from a different perspective. I reached into my SpongeBob SquarePants bag that my Mum had got me a couple of years ago, and got out my hacksaw that I always carried round with me in case of emergency. I proceeded to chop up the body- I flushed some of the smaller bits like the hands and the tongue down the toilet, but put some of the chunkier parts like the arms and legs in the tampon bin- it wasn’t like anyone was gonna volunteer for looking in there.
It was 20:16 by the time I’d finished. My 15 minutes was already up! I could probably take another five, though… it was a Sunday and the manager wasn’t in anyway. Let’s be honest, no-one was going to give a shit. I put the rest of the body just in the normal bin and covered it with some toilet tissue so you couldn’t see it, much like you cover the cauliflower with your napkin to make it look like you ate it, even though you told them beforehand that you don’t like cauliflower, but they still gave it you anyway. By this time I had to go back downstairs because I was supposed to be on the fitting rail and Leanne would be moaning if I was much later.
The day after, they still hadn’t cleaned that wee off the seat. I think I might complain to someone.