Tiresome Yogurt

Diary Entry: 27/02/12, 10:00.

I came home from the shop and put the toffee yogurt at the front of the fridge. It took priority over the milk and cheese and various bio-chemical weaponry that I stored in there because it had one key characteristic that the other didn’t: it was most delicious. I put it on the second shelf down- perfect reaching height. I put it in the centre of the fridge- standing proudly among the other dairy products, which turned away in resentment. I put it there because I knew it would be the first thing that I would want. I put it there because it was awesome.

Diary Entry: 28/02/12, 08:35.

It’s happened again. The yogurt has moved itself to the back of the fridge overnight. The. Back. Of. The. Fridge. That’s not where I left it! My casual documentation that I may or may not have written whilst under the influence of several kinds of drugs and vodka just goes to prove it. This happens every week. I have moved it to the front of the fridge again, and will monitor the situation closely (after I have sampled the delights of Baileys mixed with horse radish).

Diary Entry: 29/02/12, 17:00.

That’s it, something’s definitely going on here. I have no idea what, but I have come to the conclusion that the yogurt is either the shy, retiring type, or it is demanding some kind of human sacrifice.

BRB, need to get children’s kidneys.

Diary Entry: 29/02/12, 19:24.

The shop had ran out of children’s kidneys, so I have had to buy middle-aged-woman kidneys instead. Let’s just hope this works. I am getting pretty hungry for yogurt and there is no way I’m reaching all the way to the back of the fridge to get it- I didn’t win ‘Beastly Woman of the Year’ doing all this reaching crap, you know?

Diary Entry: 29/02/12, 20:11.

Some guy over the road is yelling at his wheely bin.

Diary Entry: 01/03/12, 13:45.

So the human kidneys haven’t really done anything. I think it might be after money or something then. I’ve left a stack of twenties at the front of the fridge, so I’ll see how it goes. If the rumours about yogurt are true, it’ll do anything for money. Even moving to the front of the fridge. Oh, I’ve also left the kidneys in there just incase.

Diary Entry: 02/03/12, 17:44.

Have given the yogurt more money and sat and watched it all day. Also drank some Ribena.

Diary Entry: 03/03/12, 11:32.

I have run out of money to give to the yogurt and as I also haven’t paid my electricity bill this month, they’ve turned off everything in the house, including the fridge. Yogurt is now rank and has green bits in it. Don’t think I actually want to eat it anymore, I’ll have to start on the kidneys.

Diary Entry: 04/03/12, 12:31.

Since eating the kidneys I have now gained a taste for human flesh and spend all of my time cramming the homeless into my mouth.

It’s been quite a good week really, when you think about it.

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About Anna

Author of the Insanity Aquarium. Current fears include time as a concept, the squishiness of my right eyeball, and not being able to open this jar.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Tiresome Yogurt

  1. I happen to be a Sagitarius, and my horoscope was? absolutely true.. . KILL THEM.
    mieszkanie w Krakowie http://www.mieszkanianasprzedazkrakow.pl

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  2. Val says:

    You crack me up! (So does yoghurt.)

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  3. Anna says:

    Yogurts are sneaky, devious creatures! Don’t let them bully you into paying them off! I hope you snack on the criminals next time. At least you’re saving the world in some ways then. Lol.

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  4. Pete Howorth says:

    I think that bloke that was shouting at his wheely bin might have been me. I was particularly angry that day.

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  5. Very surreal and amusing this one.

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  6. Anne Schilde says:

    Delicious post! ♥ You definitely should have interrogated the milk. It develops an inferiority complex in the presence of yogurt and is known to have thrown its weight around. But with all the excitement of Bailey’s and horseradish, I’m sure I’d have made the same oversight. Homeless is a win win diet anyway. It’s free and you get to think of all the quarters you dropped in their cups as sort of like investments.

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    • Anna says:

      Argh, you’re right- it was probably the milk all along! Goddam delicious milk and it’s milky goodness.

      You’re also right about the homeless people, you give them money to buy cigarettes so you can enjoy the nicoretty awesomeness when you’re chugging them down with a nice side of garlic butter,

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    • Anne Schilde says:

      Nicorette! That’s beyond hilarious!

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  7. darkjade68 says:

    Awesome, lol

    I like how the other Dairy Turns Away, lol

    Sounds like it is indeed the Shy, Retiring type

    Congratulations on the “Beastly Woman of The Year Award”, I had no idea…

    A Lovely Tale of “Dairy Delight” Anna… Thank you very much, lol

    DarkJade-

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    • Anna says:

      Thanks for the comment, DarkJade! And thanks for the congrats! That prize is very difficult to obtain, you know? I don’t shower or shave my armpits for a week and spend most of my time eating cheeseburger leftovers from the bins outside Burger King :D

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    • darkjade68 says:

      Wait, they Let Burger King into Europe?? Wow… I just figured that was just a Last Resort kind of Burger Place here in the U.S…. No Clue it went that Global, lol
      I’d say Fast Food Places Rank Like This Here;

      1) McDonalds, of course
      2) Taco Bell
      3) Subway Sandwiches (do they even have those out there?)
      4) Jack in The Box (do they have those either?) these are important questions I know, lol
      5) K.F.C. Kentucky Fried Chicken
      6) Carl’s Jr.
      And then several others that I’ve never had around me
      And then wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy at the bottom… Maybe like #15, lol might be Burger King… Forgive me if you like there food, all I can remember is getting Chicken Sandwiches there like 15 or 20 years ago, ha… And they weren’t all that great, lol

      But I digress… Did you ever have issues “stepping” on your own Armpit Hair whilst not Shaving it? lol

      DarkJade-

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    • Anna says:

      I actually do rather like Burger King :D It’s like #2 over here, behind McDonalds, closely followed by the likes of KFC and Pizza Hut. And we do have Subway! I have never, ever been there however… I used to have to walk past one every day on the way to college and the smell used to make me go faint. Actually, Subway’s probably a bit more popular than Pizza Hut, just not to me!

      We don’t have Taco Bell over here however… I’ve always kind of thought the lack of Taco Bell in Britain is one of the greatest modern-day failures of Western Capitalism.

      And as for my armpit hair, I used to be able to wrap it around my feet and wear it as slippers. Mmm, fuzzy warmness!

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    • darkjade68 says:

      Wow… Uncanny (The Slipper that is, lol)

      And you’re definitely right about Taco Bell, especially since they’ve always been My Favorite… From their Crunchy Tacos, to their Cheese Glooped Nacho Supremes…

      And of Course a Ridiculously Large Coke in a Giant Plastic Cup, lol I used to hit the Taco Bell Drive through back in my “Black Jeep” days, I loved that thing, and I’d hit the Open Highway, Top Off, Big Drink in my Right Hand, Left Hand on the Wheel, and Southern Cali Winds through muh hair, lol

      Loved it

      DarkJade-
      *oh yeah, I forgot about Pizza Hut, that’s pretty High over here as well

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  8. snooooorrrrrtttttttttttt

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  9. Blah blah blah great as usual, blah blah blah I am not worthy, blah blah blah you are freaking hilarious, “Anna”, blah blah blah I liked the little twist at the end, blah blah blah I really have nothing new to say to you Anna except the same old “your writing is fantastic, mind-opening and hilarious always”, blah blah blah hence the blah blah.

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