Tiresome Yogurt

Diary Entry: 27/02/12, 10:00.

I came home from the shop and put the toffee yogurt at the front of the fridge. It took priority over the milk and cheese and various bio-chemical weaponry that I stored in there because it had one key characteristic that the other didn’t: it was most delicious. I put it on the second shelf down- perfect reaching height. I put it in the centre of the fridge- standing proudly among the other dairy products, which turned away in resentment. I put it there because I knew it would be the first thing that I would want. I put it there because it was awesome.

Diary Entry: 28/02/12, 08:35.

It’s happened again. The yogurt has moved itself to the back of the fridge overnight. The. Back. Of. The. Fridge. That’s not where I left it! My casual documentation that I may or may not have written whilst under the influence of several kinds of drugs and vodka just goes to prove it. This happens every week. I have moved it to the front of the fridge again, and will monitor the situation closely (after I have sampled the delights of Baileys mixed with horse radish).

Diary Entry: 29/02/12, 17:00.

That’s it, something’s definitely going on here. I have no idea what, but I have come to the conclusion that the yogurt is either the shy, retiring type, or it is demanding some kind of human sacrifice.

BRB, need to get children’s kidneys.

Diary Entry: 29/02/12, 19:24.

The shop had ran out of children’s kidneys, so I have had to buy middle-aged-woman kidneys instead. Let’s just hope this works. I am getting pretty hungry for yogurt and there is no way I’m reaching all the way to the back of the fridge to get it- I didn’t win ‘Beastly Woman of the Year’ doing all this reaching crap, you know?

Diary Entry: 29/02/12, 20:11.

Some guy over the road is yelling at his wheely bin.

Diary Entry: 01/03/12, 13:45.

So the human kidneys haven’t really done anything. I think it might be after money or something then. I’ve left a stack of twenties at the front of the fridge, so I’ll see how it goes. If the rumours about yogurt are true, it’ll do anything for money. Even moving to the front of the fridge. Oh, I’ve also left the kidneys in there just incase.

Diary Entry: 02/03/12, 17:44.

Have given the yogurt more money and sat and watched it all day. Also drank some Ribena.

Diary Entry: 03/03/12, 11:32.

I have run out of money to give to the yogurt and as I also haven’t paid my electricity bill this month, they’ve turned off everything in the house, including the fridge. Yogurt is now rank and has green bits in it. Don’t think I actually want to eat it anymore, I’ll have to start on the kidneys.

Diary Entry: 04/03/12, 12:31.

Since eating the kidneys I have now gained a taste for human flesh and spend all of my time cramming the homeless into my mouth.

It’s been quite a good week really, when you think about it.