The Exaggeration Monster

‘The dog was as big as a house.’

‘A house?’

‘A house.’

‘A house?’

‘ A house… with an extension.’

She raised her eyebrows at me. I burrowed mine with deadly sincerity. I was horrendously serious; the dead giveaway was the metaphorical dagger I was holding to her throat.

‘A house, though? Are you sure?’

I leaned back and let my eyebrows resume their normal position. The dagger was retracted and fit back rather nicely into my backpack of doom.

‘Well… possibly not. More the size of a handbag, really. Or not. It might just have been regular dog sized, now I come to think about it.’

‘Regular dog sized?’

‘Yes, definitely regular dog sized. Definitely, definitely regular dog sized…’ with which I let out a short breath, ‘well maybe not, actually… it might have been quite small. Or there possibly wasn’t a dog at all. I tend to forget.’

My friend sighed at me and looked straight into my eyes. She hated me just a little bit. It was clearly because of my incredible capacity to be continually humorous.

‘You know the more exaggerations you do, the more likely it is that the Exaggeration Monster will come to your house while you sleep and eat you?’

I laughed. The kind of laugh that would make children’s eyes explode with terror.

‘That’s not true, and even if it were, I have some kind of hamster army as a back-up.’

‘You own one hamster.’

‘And that singular hamster shall lead a large hamster army, the likes of which this world has never seen!’

The cackle which followed might have been slightly over the top. The woman who owned the coffee shop certainly seemed to think so.

My friend and I parted ways, my eyebrows having made the rounds of my face had now ended up on my cheeks, not entirely sure what to do with themselves. My friend left to pursue her dreams of drilling people’s teeth open with instruments of torture, and I returned to my lowly but wonderful life of watching Bullseye on the sofa, on repeat. It was a worthwhile existence, peppered with periods of major excitement at Bully’s Prize Board, and several toilet breaks on account of the copious amount of bleach I had consumed for years, as a result of being seriously misled by an advertisement for brass instruments. I virtually had no stomach left, but I made up for this by watching more Bullseye. But that was another story.

On the way home however, I decided to put this Exaggeration Monster theory to the test. We’d all seen the papers: the blurry photographs of manic chugging of human flesh, always for some reason leaving the feet- probably on account of the toenails- something that is perfectly justifiable in my previous experience of chugging human flesh. With bleach. But then again, you can never believe everything you read: ‘All Pasties are Delicious’, being the obvious exception.

I walked into the Post Office and told the woman with the stamps that I had once consumed 87 hotdogs, and had been crowned ‘Queen of Hotdog Consumption’ at a small village in Mongolia. The woman in the Co-Op was also very surprised to hear that a beanbag had once molested me, and I won a very large compensation sum from Santa. The old Asian man in the sandwich shop was most delighted to hear that his sandwiches were the only reason I continued to exist, and then I called my mother and told her that I sometimes salivated milkshake and provided sustenance for malnourished pensioners.

Overwhelmingly pleased with myself and suffering from Bullseye withdrawal, I finally went home to my mansion made of solid gold and the skin of the cats I might have purposely trapped in the floorboards, and then ate the tastiest pasty I have ever eaten, from a bowl crafted from the finest porcelain, created by eunuchs in China, and sold for a moderate price at ASDA.

As I crawled into my bed of luxury and cheese-flavoured biscuits that night, I closed my eyes with the calm reassurance of safety suckling on my fingers. I knew in my heart that my exaggerations were the finest humorous gifts that had ever graced the face of the Earth, or the ears of the woman at the Post Office, who was coincidentally also the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, complete with a hearing aid and turquoise cardigan. Saggy, wrinkled breasts had always turned me on.

But then as the very last of my consciousness began to slip away, I saw it there, in the corner of my eye. The Exaggeration Monster! Huge, terrifying; my exaggerations spilled out of its orifices and choked me as it grew ever closer, all gangly and slimy. It smelled like Spanish drains and I trembled with fear and begged for my life. It towered above me with hair made from lies and skin weaved from all of the huge silences that had fallen when I had said something hilarious, but nobody had seemed to have quite understood how hard they should have been laughing. I closed my eyes and waited for it to eat my face.

Although it wasn’t all that bad, really. It was actually pretty small.

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About Anna

Author of the Insanity Aquarium. Current fears include time as a concept, the squishiness of my right eyeball, and not being able to open this jar.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to The Exaggeration Monster

  1. Spanish drains. Now that is a memorable smell! I deeply enjoy walking around in the parallel worlds you create. This one made me want one of Mrs. Lovett’s meat pies and a tot of gin. (Very appropriate Easter fare.)

    Like

  2. darkjade68 says:

    Hey Anna, finally have a Free Copy of My Poetry Book Available, for a couple days anyway, then it changes back… Remember you “Don’t Need” a Kindle for it… There is a “Free” PC Kindle Reading App you can download on your Computer… Here’s the Link for the Free Reading Apps http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=sv_kstore_1?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771 You can just Click The PC one unless one of the other one’s fits yah… And Here’s The Link to The Free Digital Book http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007IIO30A It asks you what Format you want to download it on the right I think… It Offer’s “Kindle Cloud” but not sure you want that… I just use the PC App myself

    Anyway, Thanks for being one of my Truest Inspirations, your Writing, and your Feedback has been truly instrumental in driving me to continue Writing Poetry, and I thank you

    DarkJade-

    Like

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    :D I just shit out a lung laughing.

    And that was no exaggeration :D

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  4. With all the fantastic posts you have put up here, you could be making a book of your own! Or a zine! :D The Exaggeration Monster… turns out to be puny and not at all scary. Lol. “I closed my eyes and waited for it to eat my face. Although it wasn’t all that bad, really. It was actually pretty small.” Great way to end the post!

    Like

  5. darkjade68 says:

    Lol, you are Hilarious… Talk about a “Free Flowing of Consciousness”, lol
    I picture you chillen in a Coffee House in a Black Skirt, Big Black Boots kicked up on the Table, Smoken a Cigar and Eaten Cheese Puffs and Nachos while you Unravel this Story into your Little Black Book, which happens to have Big Pink Polka Dots on it, lol
    Hmm, well that’s what just came to Mind, lol
    I guess what I’m trying to say is, “You Are Truly Cosmically Cool”… Not just Cool… But “Cosmically Cool”.
    You are Brilliant Anna, and you Make The World a Better Place… Especially My World

    Did I Mention how Cool you are? ha yes I did

    Well Done “Princess Anna”, My Humble Readers Pallet is Graciously at Your Service

    DarkJade-

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  6. How very silly.

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  7. lyndsay1987 says:

    This is a fantastically whimsical story but with you very own macabre twist. Which is why I love and why I was reading it at 5.45am!

    Like

    • Anna says:

      Thanks Lyndsay! And get some sleep, woman! We need all the energy we can possibly muster before our massive weekend of booze and natural sophistication!

      Like

  8. This is the greatest story in the history of writing. Strike that–this is the greatest accomplishment ever, in the history of doing things. Your “incredible capacity to be continually hilarious” is not an exaggeration, though.

    Like

    • Anna says:

      Thanks trailertrashdeluxe! I could have wrote this one better, but as I was going slightly crazy at the time, it’s always gonna come out crazy. And unbearably awesome. :D

      Like

  9. Anne Schilde says:

    Haha, I knew you were making all this up as soon as I read about the man at the sandwich shop. It’s always good when your friends hate you. Saves the trouble of making enemies. I loved the skin woven from the huge silences that had fallen! Great April Fools contribution!!

    I used to tell people crazy adventure stories that would have some lunatic at the mall stalking me or something and I would finish it with “…and he started pulling on my leg! You know, like I’m pulling on yours?” Amazing how many people still expect the story go to on…

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    • Anna says:

      I love those kinds of stories! Mine usually end up with someone getting their head ripped off or something, so it becomes EVEN MORE BELIVABLE! Ahem. Thanks for the comment Annie! I thought it was about time to mention the old Asian man again. He is a very sweet fellow.

      Like

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