Cigarettes

It had become a bit of a ritual. A bit of a terrorizing, abysmal ritual. Every Thursday on the way back from work, a small group of children would ask me to buy cigarettes for them. It was a ritual much like forgetting my lunch every morning, or watching Jurassic Park repeats every Sunday afternoon; only much more disappointing, and with a distinctly crushing lack of dinosaurs. My route home led me through the centre of town, along a main road peppered with several Chinese restaurants vomiting slime onto the streets, as is their wont, and newsagents displaying signs asking for only two children at a time to enter the shop. This was probably why they were always stood outside, I thought- respect for cardboard shop signs was something which was apparently drilled into them from birth. Not so much a respect for human life, but always for cardboard shop signs. I supposed they had to start somewhere.

Whenever I passed them it always seemed to be dark and raining, my general sense of foreboding using my brain as a bouncy castle whilst continuing to wear shoes. I shuddered a shudder of horror and shudderance. They’d have their hoods up with thin trails of smoke emerging from the hollows where their faces presumably lay. Sometimes they would have dogs, but always they would have scooters- evidently the uppermost of the coolness apex. If I ever tried to cross one of them I knew they would chase after me, their tracksuit mentality two-wheeled slaughter vehicles running over my face, leaving the Ben 10 impressions from the safety rubber, all over my body. They were all about seven, and they were hungry for blood, and likely also ice-cream. Thursdays were the rainiest of days.

On any other night the newsagents would provide luxurious refreshment in the form of a Yazoo milkshake on the way home from work, but not on Thursdays. Each week the chubby ginger leader of the group would stand in my way and grin at me like a soggy, over-stuffed bag of week old sausage meat and  back hair shavings. As he talked I couldn’t help but stare at his chin as it wobbled back and forth, gathering momentum until eventually it would whack him in the forehead. Eventually I would notice that he had been yelling, ‘Get cigs, mayte!’ for a few minutes whilst I had been mesmerised by his floppy face. It was like watching a lava lamp. But every week was the same: I would be confronted by the young ginger whippersnapper, threatened unless I purchased cigarettes, and then I would politely excuse myself and anticipate a petrol bomb on the back of my head as I walked away.

Yet for some reason, one week was different.

The ginger tyrant had stood in front of me as usual, but he hadn’t started to yell. Instead he just looked straight at me… and started talking. A fear gripped my entire body. If they were going to rob me, all they were going to get was a bag full of diabetes blood test strips and tampons, and I didn’t want to be there when they tried to purchase alcohol with them. But no; he was still talking… I wasn’t sure what to do with my face so I just started to nod. I literally had no idea what he was saying- I assumed the tale he was telling me was particularly tragic, something about a pet bear being sick, or his girlfriend’s baby’s baby daddy getting some kind of facial gonorrhoea , or something. It was like listening to a homeless man who had swallowed too much furniture polish on his way back from the dentists. Through his garbled shrieking I could hear that he was reasoning with me to purchase cigarettes; imploring me to buy them. Too befuddled however to say anything other than the words I had rehearsed a thousand times before, I politely excused myself and left, desperate to reach home alive. Yet curiously this time instead of the general petrol bomb fear as I walked away, I felt a tiny flutter of sympathy in my heart. It was the most piteous and horrifying flutter of sympathy I had ever had the displeasure of experiencing. Chav sympathy. I felt as though a badger had molested me.

For the next few weeks however, every Thursday the ginger chap would stand in my way and tell me more of his story. I still had no idea what was going on, but the way he told me of his step father’s ‘dog dat ‘ad eaten me sister’ and his strange ability to ‘shit oot stationary’ made me realise that perhaps buying cigarettes for him wasn’t such a bad idea. If I could bring this large, smelly child some kind of joy, then I could make would make the world a slightly better place. As I held my breath and walked into the newsagents to purchase the cigarettes I could feel the group’s eyes on me. For the first Thursday in months, the rain clouds had shrank to the horizon.

As I came out the shop with a smile on my face and handed 20 Benson & Hedges to my new friend, he greeted me by pushing a blade deeply, deeply into my spleen. ‘Iis illegal, buyin’ fags for minors, innit’, he commented as he took the cigarettes from my hands and walked away, leaving me bleeding all over the pavement. I was in a state of shock. Next Thursday was going to be really awkward.

Advertisements

About Anna

Author of the Insanity Aquarium. Current fears include time as a concept, the squishiness of my right eyeball, and not being able to open this jar.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Cigarettes

  1. Pingback: The DAFNE Diaries Part IV: Friday & Conclusions « Bunny Waffles

  2. gurusatap says:

    Thursday of woe? He.he..

    salam..

    Like

  3. Pete Howorth says:

    I always used to get “Got a spare fag mate?” to which I reply, “Why yes, yes I do. Unfortunately, I don’t know you so I have no obligation to give you my spare fag. Now fuck off.”

    Getting into the habit of buying cigarettes for chavs is worse than smoking it self!

    Like

  4. darkjade68 says:

    Wow, Great New Gravatar Picture Anna

    DarkJade-

    Like

    • Anna says:

      Why thank you! Thought it was about time for a picture with my current hair colour.

      Like

    • darkjade68 says:

      That Color is Vibrant and Bad A$$, Lol

      I used to dye my Hair Black here and their, and there was this one time when I went into work, and under the light my hair looked like an Eggplant Purple, Lol… Which was cool, accept it was a New Job, for a School Software Distributor, and so I wasn’t sure it would be ok with them, Lol

      I Loved Black though, so glad to be out of Corporate America now, I’ve actually been considering making it a White Blond, which I’ve never in my life done, and to be honest, I’ve never really thought it would go with My Coloring… As I have an Olive-ish fair skin…

      But I’ve done Black so many times, I’m not sure I want to do it again… Yet, Lol

      Only problem is you like have to Kill the hair and then Bleach it don’t you to get it White/Blond? My Hair is naturally a Medium Brown, so I think it would just change Orange if I’m not careful, Lol…

      DarkJade-

      Like

  5. ecocred says:

    love the “crushing lack of dinosaurs!”
    you are an awesome writer!

    Like

  6. Ha! Quite a good one actually.

    Like

  7. I loved that! You had me on the edge of my chair…great lead up, full of suspense. Fantastic ending. It goes to show, you can never quite trust big fat ginger boys. ;)

    Like

    • Anna says:

      Thanks strawberryindigo! I know, right? I’ll be crossing to the other side of the street from now on.

      Like

  8. darkjade68 says:

    Nice, the little Ba#@#!!

    I have to agree with Anne up above, “with a distinctly crushing lack of dinosaurs” was my Favorite Line, Lol

    It so funny how your Main Character basically Lives in a Completely Different World than the other Characters, Lol

    How even though they are Speaking directly to Your Main Character, Your Main Character’s “World” and “Observations” are what is Prevalent… Even when the Other Characters are Yelling at Your Main Character, Lol

    Even though it’s Written that the Chin was Distracting Your Main Character, I Highly Suspect it is the fact that She “Lives in a Completely Different Plane of Existence” that Truly Hindrances her from Hearing what the Little Miscreant had to say, Lol

    That’s My Story, And I’m Sticken with it, Lol

    Great Story Anna

    DarkJade-

    Like

    • Anna says:

      Thanks for the comment DarkJade! She might have been in her own little world, or it might have just been because the language of chavs is a mystery, even unto themselves. You know, lions and language and all that :)

      Oh, and I also enjoyed your use of the word ‘miscreant’; that’s cheered me up no end :D

      Like

    • darkjade68 says:

      Ha, I had to look up the term “Chav”… Wow, that just about sums it up now doesn’t it, Lol

      It all makes so much sense now… So this “Other World” that I detected, was in fact “Literacy”, Lol

      And thus their Gibberish left your Main Character in bit of a Catatonic State… Gotcha, Lol

      Oh What a Wonely World for the Wise, and Witerary… :)

      Lol… Though I wish I was a bit more Literary, so I could Edit My Own Stuff… As I’ve been waiting for over a month now for my Eldest Sister to have time to Edit My “I Died Once” (I.D.O.) Novella, which I very much want to Self Publish…

      May need to find someone else to Edit it, afterall she’s an Accountant, not an Editor, Hee Hee… At least by trade

      DarkJade-

      Like

    • Anna says:

      … I can’t say I’ve ever googled ‘chav’, but now that I have I feel all dirty and have a horrible desire to go slap up some bitches.

      Like

    • darkjade68 says:

      Ha I don’t blame you

      DarkJade-

      Like

  9. Anne Schilde says:

    “with a distinctly crushing lack of dinosaurs.” You can never trust a ginger with a lava lamp face… or seven-year-olds. Love it! I was sort of thinking you’d get arrested. Silly me.

    Like

    • Anna says:

      Getting arrested would have been far too vanilla, if I’m not bleeding everywhere by the end of the story, there’s something wrong! Thanks for the comment Anne, may your dreams tonight be filled with dinosaurs and maimings :D

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s