I did notice that I was better, so very better, the tablets made me sleep and in these reflections I noticed also that I could be interrupted in the shower without dragging my nails down my arms, and could be repeatedly disappointed without sickness or the desire to lawnmower faces. Instead I would be content with moving the small photo frame on my desk every few minutes to sit level with my chest, and colouring the gaps in the varnish on my nails with a magic marker pen, the label always turned towards me.

I barely notice the way in which my cup of tea has been placed leisurely upon the placemat, belligerently sitting slightly to the left, teetering upon the edge of complete destruction. I do not notice that the cup touches the table, great swathes of fake leather spreading in the opposite direction, calling desperately to be used, to be sat upon, to be warmed, to brace the porcelain cup in the natural way of the placemat. Nor do I notice that my computer screen does not face directly towards me, but instead smirks towards the wall. It finds solace in the papery glory of the poster which sits upon the wall’s face, advising that many microwave pizzas can be made from the energy wasted in leaving a microwave on, the things of obviousness, should I have noticed.

I also do not notice that I have not made a list in several months, nor that my file tray has been removed to fill the gaps where file trays may be more necessary. I do not notice that my papers do not sit together as friends, but rather several attempt to escape, likely to go to the fair, where candyfloss and hook-a-duck are more appealing than disorganised collections of desk material. Moreover I do not notice that my receipts are held together by a paperclip whose metallic curvature bends outside the generally accepted limits of paperclip behaviour; his was an obscure bend, and one that I did not notice.


16 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. Might you be referring to Xanax? It is the only reason I can fly. It shuts down every phobic/insane thought I have and suddenly, yea, I don’t properly give a poop about anything.

    It’s a Godsend for anxiety but, of course, has a downside.Highly addictive and very short span of when it works.

    Anyway. Just my two pennies. Another great post, Anna. Never change!


    1. Hi Patty! I haven’t ever been prescribed Xanax, though I was on Diazepam for a short while which I think might be quite similar. Unfortunately I didn’t get on with it very well so I have tried a few other things since, although nothing quite gets rid of the need to make things more straight… but at the same time it makes for some reasonably good stories :D Thanks so much for the comment!


  2. Yay OCD. I swear I have that. Especially when my friend puts glasses on the edge of a table yet somehow never manages to drop any. It infuriates me. I could lawnmower his face. The dick head.


    1. Oh dear God, never mind the lawnmower, I would use the closest thing to cause some sort of irreparable damage. A pencil in the eye, perhaps? On a similar note I also have misophonia, or ‘noise rage’ and repetitive noises make me want to strangle EVERYONE.


    2. Haha, I played this board game a couple of times called Cosmic Encounters, where you have alien races that have different attributes you use to your advantage. In one version of the game, you can pair the attributes of two different races, such as being prescient and immortal at the same time or whatever. The thought of mixing OCD and misophonia in this way is delightfully complementary!


  3. I’ve really got to stop reading past phrases like “lawnmower faces” as if they were “normal”. I am, in my own insanity, depriving you of the genius of your work! It stuck out this time because the OCD is so much more “normal” to me, but then, you and I clicked from the first sorting M&Ms amidst sleep deprivation, didn’t we? …or maybe it was sleep depravity. :-/

    What I shall pretend I didn’t notice… was that you claimed not to notice… and leave it at that. Okay, I should remind you how much I love you first! ♥

    I hope you are the only one on Earth who gets this comment!


    1. I enjoy our insanity, delicious confectionary sorting and all!

      I love you too, and your comment has filled my heart with notions of unusual usualness and murderous ferrets, for some reason. Not that I noticed, of course :)


  4. Hmm… Many moons ago I tried Zanix… I still have some just in case… I did not care for it… Though I know that you’re referring to ocd… Zanix is the only thing I’ve tried that has to do with behavior… Anxiety that is… I find its effects are very similar to wine… In a busy restaurant I might take a small piece of one… And then my mom’s boyfriend would say “You’re talking really loud”… And I’d think to myself “Thanks… I was doing better until you mentioned that I’m talking loud, which reminds me that I took Zanix…” And so the stress would slightly build again… Ah yeah, good times… Good times, lol

    But ocd… Hmm… Not really any good pills for that… Or are there?

    Written really well Anna… You really give a sense of what things are like inside the character’s head



    1. I have never tried Zanix, but I was on Diazepam for a short while which I think is similar. It did nothing to stop my thoughts but slowed my whole body down which was very frustrating, I couldn’t even make a cup of tea without dropping something on the floor. That sucks about your Mum’s boyfriend commenting on the effects it had on you- people can be so insensitive sometimes.

      I don’t think a tablet exists to totally remove the obsessive part of OCD, or if it does I haven’t found it yet. Although I don’t quite know what I would do if that part of my subconcious no longer caused me problems. As Nietzsche said, ‘Be careful, lest in casting out your demon you exorcise the best thing in you’.

      Thanks for the comment DJ.


    2. Wow I could never deal with the body slowing thing… Better to just live with those parts of ourselves like you say

      Yeah my Mom’s boyfriend is a great guy, but he is a bit oblivious in regards to other people’s situations lets say

      And I suspect the best things in you are fairly endless, so no threat of that ever happening… But I know what you mean… Our behaviors do tend to help identify who we our… At least with ourselves

      But we are so much more than our behaviors… And besides, there are always new behaviors to be had should we leave, or outgrow old one’s… There’s always the random act of hugging monkeys, which I hear is growing quite popular in the outer regions of… Hmm… Lets just leave it at “outer regions”, Lol

      You’re the Best, and I’m afraid that’s not likely to change



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