Pigeons Wear Top Hats

The corpulent pigeon landed upon a telegraph pole and surveyed the surrounding area. To the very edge of the horizon, where the distant hills met the purple clouds, the land was covered in snow- all white and cold and irritating. The pigeon scratched his eyeball with his left foot, having lost the toes on the right one in the great peanut battle of ’86, and thought about his strategy for the evening. The great, boring wintry nature of winter had attempted to scupper his plans, but as far as he could see there were no mice or men shuffling about on the sidelines, there instead was just a pigeon with a manky foot and intense dreams of Christmas dinner. Nothing could possibly annihilate his proposal! Nothing.

The weather in the weeks prior to his dinner had been bitterly cold, but fraught with the noteworthy thrill of anticipation. He had regularly attacked people in the streets, ripping off pieces of Christmas cake from their hands, and on the odd occasion little bits of delicious skin, and he had eventually stocked up on a large collection of Christmas-based treats for him and his pigeon family. But more than that, he had also gone to the trouble of fashioning little top hats for everyone to wear- more fancy he thought than silly paper crowns, he’d found cardboard and hairballs coughed up by cats, and stuck them together with whatever sticky mess he could find around the nightclubs the humans liked to frequent. They looked magnificent, and with those few extra cheese biscuits he’d nicked from the small child with the hilarious face today, he knew that this would be the greatest Christmas ever.

Sooner than he knew the time was upon him, and he waited very patiently for the first of his family members to arrive. Hopping over to the frozen ledge outside of his pigeon house, he found his mother and helped her to the table- a leftover condom packet decorated with Christmas twigs and pennies. Lovely. He then went back and helped over his father, and his auntie. His grandma was also there and he was able to guide her to her place without too much trouble, the silly old goose. All the family had arrived and the pigeon felt pride swell in his chest. Thereupon he presented the food he had been hoarding for a matter of weeks, which had now formed together into a terrifying mush-like substance. Everyone seemed rather impressed. He then also presented his top hats; the crescendo of the occasion, and placed one on the top of the heads of every family member. Then taking the time to place one upon his own head just so, he stood pompously, king of the Christmas dinner, and of pigeon top hats.

Wasting no time at all he tucked in to his meal and it was amazingly delicious, especially mouldy bits. He looked up at his family who hadn’t yet touched their dinner on account of them all having frozen to death a few days ago on the ledge outside, and he smiled a little pigeon smile. Had he opposable thumbs he might have been inclined to take a photo of the occasion. It was certainly the best Christmas he had ever had.

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About Anna

Author of the Insanity Aquarium. Current fears include time as a concept, the squishiness of my right eyeball, and not being able to open this jar.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Pigeons Wear Top Hats

  1. Anne Schilde says:

    I can’t say the kittens have died in vain… haha, a few might even have died from too much cookie recipe consumption… but I’ve gained several kitten pounds double-checking. ♥

    Like

    • Anna says:

      I wouldn’t even mind if kittens ate all of my recipes. Although I don’t actually own any recipes… but if I did, I would totally let them eat all of them. I do have a ‘how to make porridge’ note blu-tacked on the inside of one of my cupboards though, that might do.

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  2. Val says:

    Little tophats out of cardboard and hairballs, fancy! And I thought it was the mercury that made hatters mad! ;)

    Did this particular pigeon also enjoy chucking up pigeon milk, perchance?

    How are you, Anna? Not seen you around lately…

    Like

  3. darkjade68 says:

    Hope you’ re ok, Merry Christmas

    DJ-

    Like

  4. darkjade68 says:

    Yah know, you’ ll probably think I’ m a lite weight… But I was kinda looken forward to the Pigeon’ s Christmas Feast…

    Don’ t get me wrong, I figured the main pigeon was goina get ran over by a van or something right at the end of the story… And maybe the others would just shrug, and add him to the menu or something…

    But, no… You went and made the rest of them pigeon- sicles, Lol

    I will admit, the little pigeon top hats were my favorite part…

    And of course “To the very edge of the horizon, where the distant hills met the purple clouds, the land was covered in snow”

    I also liked when the pride swelled in his chest

    One of these days I’ m goina tie you down, and make you write me a whole fairy tale…

    And maybe encourage you to pour all the darkness and dementedness into one specific, brilliant and maniacal Villain… Who will reap the village, city or kingdom with all sorts of not pleasant, nor good, doings

    Or something like that… In fact many years ago, I had conceived the idea to write a story based on the Villain’ s perspective, showing how whenever the Villain is just about to finish/succeed with a diabolical plan, the broad shouldered, perfect haired, sword wielding hero would show up and spoil all the Villain’ s hard work. (depending on the time period, the hero may, or may not be baring a sword)

    I believe I called the piece “The Villain”‘… Or something like that

    But, I do believe, you would be better apt to write such a piece… So it’ s yours if you’ d like it…

    Of course I’ m sure you’ d make it your own

    Hope you’ re feeling ok Anna

    DJ-

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  5. Anne Schilde says:

    First, let me say that I now fully understand your fear of pigeons, as certainly anything that wears a top hat must be feared! Especially the upside-down variety used in magic tricks! If you haven’t seen the movie Bolt, I must highly recommend it! It won’t cure your phobia, but I bet it will get you will laugh at it.

    Very hard to read “condom packet decorated with pennies” …just sayin’. It was decorated with something. And I don’t know why, but I picture you giggling uncontrollably as you typed, “the silly old goose.”

    Anyway, well done! I was truly caught by surprise. Perhaps because none of the less tolerable relatives were on the fare. Delightful as always!

    Still thinking of you and hoping that nasty acid bit is over with and you are up for a wonderful holiday! ♥

    Like

  6. I am having a free christmas this year and this blog post (especially the mouldy bits) will be my inspiration!

    Like

  7. I hate pigeons, this sort of thing is all they deserve.

    Like

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