I woke up, in a box of cabbages. A box. Of cabbages. I could feel them all around me, their evil tentacles wrapping around my head. I could tell they were cabbages because they were snickering at me, as cabbages do. No other vegetable was so mean and back-stabbing as the cabbage. By now I had used the word ‘cabbage’ so often in my head that I wasn’t even sure it was a word anymore, so I tried to fondle for my phone which I always kept in my back pocket, to see if I could search for compromising cabbage pictures on the internet, when I suddenly realised… where the fuck are my arms?
I couldn’t feel my arms. They had gone. Gone like an ice-cream on a hot summer’s day, only with more despair and general flailing. Well, flailing, had there been any arms. But I had none. They had been taken. So I tried to kick my legs… gone, too. Someone had removed all of my limbs! I was starting to get pissed off.
I tried to remember where I was before I had been put in this cabbage box. Was I drunk? Was this some kind of joke? Some kind of ‘steal the limbs and put in a cabbage box’ joke? I wasn’t sure… had I been at work? In the bath? Stealing cake from the ‘Support the Orphans’ bake sale? I couldn’t remember, but I sure hoped I’d been stealing cake.
I tried to yell for help, but found I didn’t have the facial functionality for yelling. So I tried rolling around, but also to no avail- rolling wasn’t quite the same without any arms and legs. The question now was then whether my limbs and face had been removed, or whether some bastard had actually turned me into a cabbage.
I was about to find out. From above me, I heard someone prise the top off the cabbage box and start to remove the vegetables. It grew lighter and lighter, and now I could see my wretched companions: all green and evil and cabbage-like. How I hated them. Sat there, laughing at me. They had probably stolen my phone and were using it to watch hilarious internet videos, the brainless brassicaceaes.
The person removing the cabbages eventually picked me up and moved me outside, his hairy hands all over my body, the total pervert. He placed me on top of some other cabbages and I could finally see my reflection in the wheelbarrow sat opposite.
Alas, I was a cabbage too. I would later be consumed either by fat people pretending they were thin, or thin people pretending that dieting made them happy. My leaves drooped somewhat with this realisation. This was literally the worst day ever.