The Hair Ball Monster

My hair had been falling out all autumn. Perhaps it had been the time of the year, the poor diet consisting mainly of toast and marshmallows, or the buckets of hair dye that had caused the little strands to wander off into the distance, making a break from their hairy prison. Hairs would fall out as I brushed them, or dried them, or tried to wash them. They would even fall out while I was asleep, and often I would wake up and find that some of them had tried to kill me. It was the way of things. It was the way it always had been, and always would be. I poisoned my hair with toast; they tried to strangle me in my sleep. I felt we had reached a good understanding.

Then today, I cleaned the bathroom… a particularly unexciting task made more unpleasant today especially, as following a slightly disgruntled tip-off from my father, I had been instructed to ‘look in the shower plug hole’. And thus, I did.

Oh horror of horrible horrors! The plug hole was filled with hair. A tentative tug pulled strings from the murky depths, black and much longer than I had remembered it being. It looked like it had grown, fed by the various shampoo remnants and belly-button fluff. A diet of kings! I fought to stop myself from retching. The shame was almost unbearable but was placed aside momentarily by the dreadful thought of, well… at least it wasn’t pubes.

I pulled it all out with baited breath- more than I could ever have remembered shedding, enough to make fluffy creepy pillows for everyone on my street. Disturbing. I put the hairs in the bin and continued victoriously to clean the shower. The little toothbrush I was using to clean the mould from the tiles seemed also to share the joy in my victory cleaning. The shower would now be clean and hair-free and no longer would I be ashamed and traumatized. It had been a good day.

But then… it began. A distant rumbling sound came from behind me. Perhaps it was a helicopter outside, chasing some teapot-stealing arsonist with a thing for, uh, teapots?… but no! It was coming from inside the bathroom! I turned in terror, toothbrush still in hand, just in time to see it rise from the bin… a hair ball monster! I stood, fixated, barricaded by the shower curtain, enraptured by the hairy being that was now climbing its way out of the bin. I was frozen with fear. As it made its way towards me, I could see its features more clearly now… it was round and fluffy, and a bit damp… it might have been quite cute had it not been for the glowing red eyes and two-inch fangs. I barely had time to splutter, ‘What the fuck?’ before it had attached itself to my face.

Flailing wildly I tried to stab it with the toothbrush, but it had already started pulling at my eyelids. Shrieking slightly, I fell into the shelf of shampoos; suddenly, I was covered in goo and had the hair ball monster trying to eat my eyeballs. I smashed my face into the side of the bath and loosened its grip, but it had already drawn its weapon; the prodigious hairclip. The epic battle was upon us. Toothbrush v. Hairclip: the Ultimate Deathmatch.

The hair ball monster leaped from the side of the bath and onto my chest, stabbing frantically at my heart. Suddenly, I managed to use the toothbrush to block the attacks and began to gain the advantage, ‘Ha ha ha!’ Battling the hair ball monster to the edges of the bath we both pushed with all our might against the other, his hairy form straining against my plastic sword of righteousness; but then, slowly, the hair ball monster lost his balance… throwing his hairclip in the general direction of my face in a last desperate attempt, he slipped… and fell the eternal distance from the edge of the bath, to the bathroom floor… the fake wood tiles were unforgiving to him… my enemy had been defeated.

The battle was won. I lay, panting, in the shell of the bath, my heart brimming with triumph. As I steadily rose to my feet, I started to hear slight noises coming from the plug hole… almost like cries. Woefully tiny cries. Once more, I looked into the plug hole and it was then that I saw three little baby hair ball monsters. Suddenly my heart cracked; what had I done?!

I scooped up the babies from the plug hole and made them a new nest in a shoebox under my bed. I fed them with strengthening shampoo, hoping they would become stronger, and also hoping that terrible supermarket-brand provisions would be to their liking. As they began to snuggle up together after they had eaten, all hairy and strange, I walked back into the bathroom with a heavy heart to finish my cleaning.

I really hate cleaning the bathroom. Shit like this always happens.

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About Anna

Author of the Insanity Aquarium. Current fears include time as a concept, the squishiness of my right eyeball, and not being able to open this jar.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to The Hair Ball Monster

  1. Pete Howorth says:

    RANDOM COMMENT ON ONE OF ANNAS RANDOM POSTS DAY

    Like

  2. Anne Schilde says:

    Yay! After all the kittens I’ve eaten, I finally get to cough up a hairball! I love this story! Especially scary to think there may be an angry revenge-seeking mate down there somewhere.

    Like

  3. Pingback: With a hair hair here, and a hair hair there « Absurd Old Bird

  4. Val says:

    Aw… now I’m going to looking out for baby hairballs. Cute! (Until they start taking a liking to your follicles and taking them for walks). I would have to read this just the day that I’m cleaning the bathroom and considering cutting my hair, wouldn’t I? ;)

    Like

  5. Bothered says:

    Wow, I didn’t know how funny you are. I guess I have some tough competition in the humor genre. As always, thanks for a good read.

    Like

  6. darkjade68 says:

    Hey Anna, I know you don’t have a Computer right now/yet, and I know you weren’t able to join us on the One Knight Site, but I’ve just Created a Third Blog Called “The Dark Globe” http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/the-dark-globe-breathe-it-to-life/.

    It’s done like a News Paper, as there are many many Sections. The Site is Designed to bring Writer’s, Photographer’s etc. together on one Site.

    You mentioned before that you Worked at a News Paper, and it was the best job you have had yet, and so I thought this Blog might be right up your Alley. You wouldn’t need to do any “Creative Writing” so to speak over there, but I’d love to have you as an Author or Guest Author as one of our Columnist’s on the Site. There’s a Section called “Music – Scene, Taste, Opinion” that you might enjoy Writing a bit about a Band that you like, or have seen, or have an Opinion on. There’s also “My World’s News” which is a Section for Writer’s to talk about their own life, or their life as a Writer, whichever. Being I offered Pete his Own Page on the Site, I thought I’d do the same for you and maybe call it “Anna’s Corner”, as opposed to Pete’s which I suggested him calling it “Pete’s Mouth”, lol. Nah, but you guys could name it whatever you’d like. Or, you could just Write a Piece here and there on Music like I say, or whatever tickles your fancy so to speak, and not have an Actual Page.

    Anyway, I your time and main focus is here, but unlike the One Knight Site, this is not a Creative Writing only Site, it’s more a Journalism Site, which you also said you were interested in. Might be good practice for you, and you could throw on your Resume’, lol.

    Anyway, not to keep buggen you about Writing on my Site’s, but you’ve got a gift as a Writer, both Creative, and Journalism-ish, lol.

    Hope you’ll join us over there

    Thanks

    DarkJade-

    Like

    • Anna says:

      An interesting proposistion. Give me a few days to sort stuff out, and I’ll get back to you.

      Like

    • darkjade68 says:

      No Worries, welcome back.

      p.s. I changed the “My World News” Section/Page to “The Writer’s Voice”, just to correct what I wrote above.

      DarkJade-

      Like

  7. arosmannen says:

    Excellent Anna, great post. I usually don´t have to do this kind of dirty job, cause i´m bald :)

    Like

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    Bah they’ll infest your bedroom with lice will the young ones, I’d have been merciless and killed them too, set fire to them and smelt the aroma burning hair gives off. I’d have breathed it in, I’d go to bed with the thought still in my mind, safe in the knowledge that my house will be nits free.

    Don’t believe I’d do such a thing? I killed the spawn the Pube Monster produced to stop my things from getting crabs.

    Like

    • Anna says:

      You’re a monster ‘Ard, but at the end of the world I have a feeling that it will be your ruthlessness that saves us all from headlice!

      Like

  9. Lafemmeroar says:

    The bathroom is a haunted place. I dread cleaning out the ghosts and monsters living there.

    Like

    • Anna says:

      The ghosts don’t bother me as much as the monsters, and the monsters don’t bother me as much as the filth that accumulates every week :D Thanks for the comment!

      Like

  10. sami116 says:

    HAHAA… Vivid. I would always come with one of these when I wanted to buy myself out of cleaning my bathroom.

    Like

    • Anna says:

      It’s a good excuse: ‘Can’t clean the bathroom because monsters will attack me’. It will get you out of cleaning it, but it might also get you sent away to a loony bin. But at least there you will be perfectly safe from the hair ball monsters! *Nods wisely*

      Like

  11. darkjade68 says:

    lol, hilarious. Cleaning the Bathroom sucks, especially when components of the final gathered lumps decide to take you out… I might recommend keeping some matches and some hair spray in there for now on, as the combination of a lit match sprayed by hairspray, makes for one hell of a blow torch… And though it/he was damp, I suspect he would have still been sufficiently singed.

    Well done, Intricate, and full of life as ever.

    DarkJade-

    Like

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