Sometimes you have to wake up in the middle of the night to check that you’re not blind. You look at the blinking red light on the smoke alarm above your bed, and then at the green light on your phone- the one that tells you it’s fully charged. You know, incase all you can see is black and red, so you want to make sure you can see green too. And you can. And your partner asks you why you’re stood on the bed looking at the smoke alarm. Every time.

And then during the day you’ve become so focussed on the inability of Microsoft Access to shut down correctly, that you wonder if you’ve lost the ability to speak anything more than garbled obscenities. Rather than try to say something meaningful incase it comes out all mangled and you choke on your own tongue, you decide instead to say something like ‘aubergine’ as loud as possible. And you can. And your work colleagues look at you strangely. Every time.

And then sometimes you’re walking along the street and the song you’re listening to suddenly cuts off. You wonder whether your MP3 Player has died from being kicked under the toilet too many times, or if the file you illegally downloaded has gone horribly wrong and has cut off the end. You turn the volume up to 100 to make sure you haven’t gone deaf, to make sure you can hear the next song. And you can. And it makes your ears bleed all over the pavement. Every time.

And then occasionally all you can taste is blood, and washing your mouth with water doesn’t rid your mouth of the terrible taste of oncoming gingivitis. You decide to find the spiciest food possible, to make sure that you can still taste the wonders of the world. You walk into a supermarket and rub chillies all over your tongue to make sure you can still taste. And you can. And you vomit all over the elderly people, who are there for a day out of the nursing home. Every time.

And then sometimes your overwhelming loneliness reminds you that you haven’t touched another human being in a few months. You wonder if you’re still able to feel anything. So you find a homeless person, promise him a free meal, and drown him in the bathtub, and try to feel the breath escape his body from under your fingers. And you can. And it reminds you that your paranoia is ridiculous, and that Microsoft Access will never shut down properly. Every time.


12 thoughts on “Senses

  1. You are Hilarious… I just picture you standing up on your bed in the middle of the night, Lol

    But I have nothing Eyeball related to say, so I have failed you, Lol



    1. Lol, I was kinda hoping your good host’s “generosity” might accept such a humble offering as my meager indirect mentioning of it… But I never dared to dream… No… Once I had walked through that door of brutal disappointment, I had only but the counting of the stairs beneath my feet to keep me distracted from the utter shame I felt in letting you down… But you have changed all this… And when I felt your hand wrap around my wrist and pull me back from this abyss, and your delicate words “Doom, I say!”, I shed but one tear and knew… Knew I say… That everything was goina be ok… Lol



  2. I won’t even go into the amount of homeless people I’ve killed just to feel something, they’re perfect, no one misses them. Sometimes I promise them a free bath and when they step in I hear their skin sizzle and pop because I’ve filled the bath with acid, and then I watch as their melted skin drips down the drain, clogging up the sewerage, then I see Severn Trent Water coming to unclog the drains and look at their disgust as they pick up an eyeball and look at it looking back at them. Every time.


    1. The part about the eyeball made me laugh so much I choked slightly on my Frisps. Goddamn, I love Frisps and eyeball-related comedy.


    2. I JUST FINISHED EATING SOME SKIPS! That isn’t even a lie, I just had some in my ham sandwich! Crisp banter is the best kind of banter! Exclamation points!!!


  3. Sometimes I forget how to let go. I lose that wild abandon I need in life incase someone mistakes me for mundane instructions and stuffs me inside a cardboard box with some otherwise meaningless parts of something that probably shouldn’t be reassembled anyway. I search through the underside of the bleachers at sporting events getting a few fingers chopped off for poking around where I shouldn’t be. Finally in desperation, I go to the Insanity Aquarium, and thank God there is a new post, and it jumps out of my monitor and stabs my eyeballs out and rolls them across the floor. And I have to laugh because I can’t see how funny it looks with no eyeballs. Every time.

    Love you! Love this! ♥


    1. I’m loving the eyeball comments on this post! I can try and pop them back in for you if you like? I think I have some blu-tac around here somewhere too to stop them from falling out again. It’s bound to work, I am a doctor, afterall. Or something like that anyway.


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